ME time? what's that?

it was friday at 6:30pm. there i sat in my used-to-be-oversized-but-now-snug maternity pj's on my favorite red chair, flipping through the dvr recorded list and hoping to come across something i hadn't seen the first 3 times i went through. nothing. i had already finished all of my work for the week and was all caught up on my social media feeds. the house was mostly clean and laundry was done. and there it was. quiet. calm. peace. it was so quiet that i could hear the clock on the bookcase ticking and the cat purring on the back of my chair. and my thoughts. i could actually hear my thoughts... well, in addition to the katy perry song i was singing in my head. i was alone. my husband was at work and my daughter was at my parent's for the night. the only person i had to attend to was myself and i was... well... lost.

it had been a pretty rough week. in addition to my daughter's sudden nightly bedtime meltdowns, i was starting to have some anxiety about the upcoming addition to our family. i had also recently entered the phase of my pregnancy where i couldn't sleep because i'm big and uncomfortable and have to pee every. damn. hour. top that off with what i can only assume is a bit of hormonal imbalance, and i was a serious hot mess.

i love being home with my daughter every day and i wouldn't change that for the world. but. there are days every now and then when i just crave alone time. like, an hour without someone NEEDING me or touching me or talking over me. or you know... a trip alone to the bathroom. so that week when my mom heard the crazy in my voice over the phone one hectic day and offered to have my daughter over for the day and night later that week, i was stoked. i knew my husband would be working all day and evening that day and a day just to my damnself sounded like heaven.

i started the day off with an early lunch with a friend, followed by a visit to a yummy local bakery in east austin i had been wanting to try. we even stopped at a fun austin mural wall to take some photos. it was an awesome afternoon! but when she had to go back to work and i was left with the city at my fingertips and hours of no plans, i was somehow at a loss for how to spend my time.

before i had my daughter, i relished in alone time. my husband always worked odd hours and a lot of evenings and weekends, but i was used to it and loved doing things with friends or by myself, or just being at home alone. before him, i spent most of my 20's living alone. of course i would do a lot of social things with girlfriends, but i would also occasionally catch a movie or dinner by myself and i really enjoyed it. but. there i sat, 6:30pm on a friday night after a week of craving ME time, and all i could think was that i really missed my baby girl and husband and wished they were home to snuggle with me on the couch. crazy, right?

it got me thinking... maybe sometimes as mothers we just need to have that time to ourselves to remind us of how much we actually really love someone always NEEDING us, touching us, or just tending to someone else's needs before our own. it's my life now and it's a blessed one. it has only been three years, yet somehow it's hard to imagine what in the world i did with my time and thoughts those 30 years before i was a mother. a role i wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

now if only i could find a way to be a mom but still pee alone...