the dreadful secret club...

it was like a scene from a movie. one of those where the voices around you start to sound muffled and this sort of haze comes over you. everything seemed like it was going in slow motion. my vision was blurred from the tears that were pouring from my eyes and i felt like the wind was knocked out of me. “i don’t see a heart beat” were the words ringing in my head. suddenly my legs felt like they weighed a ton and were stuck to the paper on the patient bed. i looked at my husband’s face... it was an expression i had never seen before on him. one of sadness, but strength. he squeezed my hand with one of his and put his other arm around my back.  i remember my doctor placing her hand on my knee and softly saying something about statistics and how common miscarriages are and attempting to comfort me. she spoke a bit about how to schedule my D&C but was mostly speaking to my husband, as she could tell i wasn’t going to absorb any information at that time. a few minutes later a counselor came in with some brochures on miscarriage support groups. i was crying uncontrollably at that point... an emotion i had never felt. it was time to walk out to the car and i vaguely remember them escorting us to a side door and stairwell. i don’t know if they were not wanting me to walk through the waiting room full of pregnant women for my sake or for theirs... probably a combination of both. i remember putting my sunglasses on inside to hide my eyes and my husband holding me tightly and guiding me down the stairs and to the car. i felt like i was floating. surely this was all just a bad dream and i would wake up from this nightmare any minute...

we had been trying to get pregnant for over a year. it was a long, frustrating 12 months. when we finally had that first positive test, we were over the moon excited. we went to our first ultrasound at 6 weeks and saw a small blurb on the screen. we went home and told most of our family and friends and i read every pregnancy book i could get my hands on. i remember seeing chapters on miscarriage and loss, and i would always skip over those. they didn’t apply to me. that kind of thing would never happen and was so rare. right? 

after that second ultrasound at 10 weeks, we realized the baby had not grown since the 6 week check up, but my body was not getting rid of it on it’s own. we scheduled a D&C for a few days later. i remember i couldn’t even call my mom when we got home from the doctor that day. like, somehow saying the words would make it too real. my husband made the phone calls and sent texts. i couldn’t talk about it or deal with anyone’s condolences. i went in and out of being totally numb to sobbing like a baby. i remember trying to sleep through those first few nights, but i would just lie in the dark feeling heartbroken. every few hours i would cry and my husband would hold me tight and whisper words of strength to me. the surgery came and went and the finality of that made me feel a little more closure, but at the time it felt like i would never feel “normal” again. as soon as i would feel like i was moving on, i would get news of another person in my life being pregnant or i would get an email from one of the many baby and pregnancy websites i had signed up on, and it would send me into a tailspin of emotions. 

it was amazing to hear how many other people had gone through that kind of loss. it was like some secret club... one that no one wanted to be a part of. the outpouring of love and personal stories that people privately shared with me gave me comfort. it helped with the healing knowing that i wasn’t alone... which is exactly how i had been feeling. totally alone. i had always wanted to be a mom. it never crossed my mind until that moment that maybe it wasn’t in the cards for me. and if it wasn’t... how would i fill that void?

we were very blessed in that six months later, we got pregnant with our daughter. i was nervous the first trimester, but we went on to have a very healthy pregnancy and baby girl. my dreams of becoming a mother came true and having her made me realize all the more what a sweet little miracle babies are. 

unfortunately, that dreaded OB ultrasound visit played out again about a year after my daughter was born. we ended up having two more miscarriages back to back, within only a few months of each other. the heartbreak of the losses felt just as deep as the first, but somehow my heart seemed to toughen a bit with each one. so much so that i was pretty sure i wasn’t going to ever put myself through the possibility of that pain again. i convinced myself that my daughter would be an only child and i was okay with that. if it was in God’s plan for us to not have any more children, how could i be upset with that? our daughter was enough of a blessing.

i’m now sitting here 7 months pregnant with our son, which still feels crazy to say. when i was pregnant with our daughter, i was “present” and excited the entire time. this pregnancy has felt much more surreal, which i assume is because of all that we have been through to get to this point. the first trimester was hell. every time i went into an ultrasound, i had this terrible PTSD feeling just knowing that would be the day we got bad news again. i couldn’t let myself get excited because i just knew i would only be disappointed again soon. now at 33 weeks, i finally leave my doctor’s visits with a sense of “oh my gosh... this is actually happening. we are really having another baby,” as if it can’t quite sink in and my mind and heart are subconsciously not giving in to the extreme levels of joy that i would normally feel. 

in the past few years i have had several friends that have struggled with infertility, in all different ways. from miscarriages, to many rounds of IUI and IVF procedures, i’ve seen their pain and their struggles and have heard that “alone” feeling in their voices. just this week one of my closest friends who has had the toughest and longest fertility battle of anyone i have personally known welcomed twin boys. the joy i see in her now is so overwhelming... and yet another reminder to me of God’s love for us.  

as private as those terrible times in my own life have been, i’ve been feeling a pull to tell my story lately. not for sympathy, but to let anyone out there that is going through something similar know that they are NOT alone. there were times during my lowest days where i would search for positive stories on message boards and groups online. they were not always easy to find in the mix of all of the horror stories, but just that one story with a happy ending did wonders for my outlook. i just needed to hear someone else's experience that possibly ended in a successful pregnancy. something to squash the negative thoughts. to give me hope. that's why i'm sharing this today... in hopes that i can be that one story that lifts the spirits of someone suffering.

while i don’t let our miscarriages and those feelings of loss define me, the experiences are definitely a part of who i am today. i know now that even in the darkest hours, when things feel like they will never get better, they WILL. God has a plan for me and it will be shown to me in His time. a few weeks from now when we welcome our baby boy, i will take in each moment and remind myself that this life and these joyous times should never be taken for granted. i may have been taken on a different journey to get to this point than i would have imagined, but it's just a reminder that things are not always in my control, and it never hurts to dream until your dreams come true. 

happy Easter!

hope your day is filled with love! 

currently obsessed with... {healing clay}

y'all. i LOVE this face mask combo. facial blemishes have been just one of many of my pregnancy hormonal side effects lately. when a friend told me about this mask, i was anxious to give it a go. i found both ingredients at whole foods. combined it only cost about $12, and you need so little of them that they will go a long way.

i've figured out that i only need about a tablespoon of each to make plenty for one application. my only problem with the mask is that i hate the smell of vinegar... but i'm happy to put up with that for a few minutes for the results i've gotten from using the mask.  i've been using it about three times a week and i see a definite difference in my skin. from what i read about it, the natural green clay draws out impurities from your skin and eliminates toxins. i usually get a lot of "build up"and bumps on my chin and around my mouth and i've seen a significant decrease. it has also left my skin silky smooth which is, well... awesome.

mix equal parts of the clay and vinegar, (about a tablespoon of each to start with). apply it with clean fingers to your cleansed face. the mask will dry super stiff. honestly, the first time i did it i had a little panic attack when i felt how stiff it made my face when it dried, but no worries... it rinsed right off. ;) i've read that you can leave it on for about 20 minutes, but if you have sensitive skin like i do, try starting with 10. i've learned that around 15 minutes is plenty for me. rinse with warm water and then apply your usual moisturizer. i will warn you that your face may be red after, but for me that goes away in about 10 minutes.

enjoy! let me know if you try it and how it worked for you!

capital city bakery, austin

a few weeks ago, on my "me" day, my friend and i were craving a sweet treat after having lunch at Takoba, so we checked out the oh-so-cute-and-yummy Capital City Bakery on east 1st street. the house and decor were so cute and the people working there were super friendly. the only problem? they had too many delicious looking choices to pick from! they even have GF and vegan options. i ended up inhaling the key lime cupcake while we were there and my friend had the carrot cake cupcake. they were SO delish that i had to take some to-go to share with my family at home. can't wait to go back and try one of their cookie "sammies"!

ME time? what's that?

it was friday at 6:30pm. there i sat in my used-to-be-oversized-but-now-snug maternity pj's on my favorite red chair, flipping through the dvr recorded list and hoping to come across something i hadn't seen the first 3 times i went through. nothing. i had already finished all of my work for the week and was all caught up on my social media feeds. the house was mostly clean and laundry was done. and there it was. quiet. calm. peace. it was so quiet that i could hear the clock on the bookcase ticking and the cat purring on the back of my chair. and my thoughts. i could actually hear my thoughts... well, in addition to the katy perry song i was singing in my head. i was alone. my husband was at work and my daughter was at my parent's for the night. the only person i had to attend to was myself and i was... well... lost.

it had been a pretty rough week. in addition to my daughter's sudden nightly bedtime meltdowns, i was starting to have some anxiety about the upcoming addition to our family. i had also recently entered the phase of my pregnancy where i couldn't sleep because i'm big and uncomfortable and have to pee every. damn. hour. top that off with what i can only assume is a bit of hormonal imbalance, and i was a serious hot mess.

i love being home with my daughter every day and i wouldn't change that for the world. but. there are days every now and then when i just crave alone time. like, an hour without someone NEEDING me or touching me or talking over me. or you know... a trip alone to the bathroom. so that week when my mom heard the crazy in my voice over the phone one hectic day and offered to have my daughter over for the day and night later that week, i was stoked. i knew my husband would be working all day and evening that day and a day just to my damnself sounded like heaven.

i started the day off with an early lunch with a friend, followed by a visit to a yummy local bakery in east austin i had been wanting to try. we even stopped at a fun austin mural wall to take some photos. it was an awesome afternoon! but when she had to go back to work and i was left with the city at my fingertips and hours of no plans, i was somehow at a loss for how to spend my time.

before i had my daughter, i relished in alone time. my husband always worked odd hours and a lot of evenings and weekends, but i was used to it and loved doing things with friends or by myself, or just being at home alone. before him, i spent most of my 20's living alone. of course i would do a lot of social things with girlfriends, but i would also occasionally catch a movie or dinner by myself and i really enjoyed it. but. there i sat, 6:30pm on a friday night after a week of craving ME time, and all i could think was that i really missed my baby girl and husband and wished they were home to snuggle with me on the couch. crazy, right?

it got me thinking... maybe sometimes as mothers we just need to have that time to ourselves to remind us of how much we actually really love someone always NEEDING us, touching us, or just tending to someone else's needs before our own. it's my life now and it's a blessed one. it has only been three years, yet somehow it's hard to imagine what in the world i did with my time and thoughts those 30 years before i was a mother. a role i wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

now if only i could find a way to be a mom but still pee alone... 

my little heart breaker...

she brings me comfort with her snuggles. she makes me beam with pride with her mature politeness and kind gestures. she makes me laugh harder than anyone can with just a flash of her goofy grin and silly sense of humor. she challenges me with her strong will and independence. she has an innocence and view of the world that keeps me grounded. she reminds me daily what love is, with just a glance from her big brown eyes or the soft touch of her little hand. she makes me a better person. she is my biggest blessing and being her mother makes my heart more full than I could have ever dreamed.

*dress by Slyfox Threads

life's latest 'grams

1. nap time. it used to mean a good hour or two of productivity around the house for me while R slept... but lately i've been soaking up some zzz's along with her more often than not!

2. gorgeous spring days call for being goofy outside with my #1 goofball.

3. realized recently that i'm sort of obsessed with taking pics of quirky austin restaurant bathrooms, which leads me to a new home project idea... stay tuned!

4. coffee with sweet photographer friends is always good for my soul. <3 

5. bedtime has been serious hell lately. settled on letting her sleep on her nap mat that night on my bedroom floor so that she could see me on the couch. once i was no longer fuming, it was kind of a sweet view.

6. 29 weeks and feeling like i've already hit the uncomfortable phase of this pregnancy. isn't it a little early for that?!

7. our first trip to our neighborhood library. she LOVES it! teaching her about borrowing v. buying, but she seems to have a little trouble letting go of the books when we have to return them. 

8. busy, busy month of senior sessions for me but i'm soaking up the creativity time!

9. i still love seeing things through a 3 year old's eyes. she's always so fascinated with the fish at the aquarium. 

10. turns out walking around a theme park at 7 months pregnant in 97 degree heat... not so fun. apparently listening to me whine for 3 hours was just as bad as the misery i was in. ha!

11. soaking up the moments on our last little family getaway with her as an only child.

12. spent the day celebrating my guy's birthday, which included slices from East Side Pies... yum!

home tour continued: our family room

we definitely spend most of our time as a family in this room and i really wanted it to reflect us and our love of austin. 

when we first moved in, i was obsessing over getting a white media center and bookcases and had been internet stalking this one from pottery barn for months. except it was $3500. BEFORE shipping. like... what?! i scoured the internet and every store in town that i could come up with when i finally had a lightbulb moment in the furniture aisle of target one day. i saw these threshold book cases on one aisle and the media stand on the next and thought to myself... i could DRILL those suckers together and make almost the same thing that PB carries! and by I, i mean my husband and dad could do that when they assembled those beasts! the best part? it cost a combined total of $350! i wasn't crazy about the knobs on the cabinet doors, but i bought a couple of nickel knobs at lowe's and fixed that right up!

the corner with my turntable is my favorite little space in our house. i grew up listening to albums with my mom and every time i listen to one now in my own house, i get that giddy, nostalgic feeling. i love curling up on the floor next to it when i'm having a stressful day and reading through album inserts and listening to music. what's even better is how much my daughter loves to play her albums and dance around. i even found some old Joe Scruggs children's records at Half Price Books that i had as a little girl and she loves them. i listen to a lot of the beatles and my heart just about exploded the day my daughter started belting out "strawberry fields forevaaa!". 

have you heard of Woodsnap?! SO in love with their wood prints and i may have "peed my pants just a lil' bit" (as my daughter says, ha!) the day the FedEx guy delivered this giant gem to my door. and a big shout out to my amazing friend Spanki for taking that picture of us outside of our favorite restaurant... such a treasure to have that moment captured and i smile every time i look at it. :)

just a little touch of my other favorite city, NYC. they make me think of my bff who lives there that i miss like crazy!

i needed something for this wall space when i came across this shop on Etsy and discovered that she made custom sized skyline paintings. in love with the way it turned out!

and, finally... this. a book about the history of austin that my parents gave to my pawpaw a few years before he passed away. i miss him so much and i love having this displayed to remind me of him and his sweet spirit.